My journey to trusting God through the fear and anxiety of a pregnancy after a miscarriage.
“when life gets overwhelming and this fear creeps up on us, we go to God and show him these parts of us. We have faith in him regardless of the outcomes. And we do this over and again. Moment by moment."
In the list of warnings I received from friends, family, my doctor, and countless others after my pregnancy loss,
no one told me about this feeling.
I’m not particularly proud of it. I make videos detailing God’s word and his great faithfulness. I must be some kind of coward.
They didn’t tell me about the anxiety, the deep rooted fear
the reliving of it over and over, the acting out in my head of how I’ll make it through this time, preparing myself for the news…
no one told me I’d be living in fear the next time I was pregnant.
My husband and I lived through a missed miscarriage in May 2020. I wasn’t unfamiliar with miscarriage and the pains; I’d seen family members go through it and knew it was traumatic. Yet, nothing prepared me for the soul deep misery I lived through when the Ultrasound tech informed me she didn’t see a heartbeat. I tried desperately not to cry in-front of this complete stranger, who I wanted to slap, but I did cry. After being escorted to a private room to speak with a doctor, I mustered up all my strength and listened to his instructions.
I prayed without ceasing for most of the coming months. I went to therapy, threw myself into fitness and healthy living, and read Gods word as much as I could. I was determined for my faith to grow. I even completed an 80 day workout program and started running. Truly believing in Gods words of struggle and hardship. God always has a purpose for pain. The summer of 2020 was one of the best I’ve ever had. I learned I could do hard things. I was capable of overcoming the worst pain and growing closer to God.
I ended summer 2020 believing in Gods power over my life and looking forward to trying again.
So we did. And two months later, I was pregnant.
Since we were trying for a baby, I found out very early into the pregnancy that I was expecting. Three weeks and some days. I was elated. I was ready.
And then the feeling started. Not a few minutes about those two lines appeared.
I’ll try my best to explain, it’s true powerlessness. I was, actually I am, terrified of losing this baby. I catch myself thinking of going to the first ultrasound and preparing myself not to cry this time when she tells me. I wake up in a panic sweat from a nightmare of blood in my underwear. Constantly checking my toilet paper and praying a prayer of thanksgiving every time it’s clear.
I knew I would be scared. I just didn’t think I’d be this scared. This out of control of it. I’ll start to go down the rabbit hole of how faithful am i? who am I to preach on faithfulness and trust when I can’t trust god for this? When I can’t live a life of peace and comfort. A life in jesus’ arms, fully content with whatever way the cookie crumbles for me….I wish I was like that. But I’m just not.
A full week goes by and with each day the anxiety goes up. I stop working on Biblically Blonde and filming videos. I can’t film when I’m living like a fake.
Sometime later, I tell a coworker of my news. I share my anxiety and fear and she tells me what God desperately wanted me to hear and what I believe he wants us ALL to hear:
YOU MAY NOT BE WHERE YOU IMAGINED YOURSELF ON YOUR FAITH JOURNEY BUT GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART. GOD SEES WHO YOU ARE EVEN WHEN THE FEAR BLINDS YOU.
That was it. The same God who called Lot righteous after years of living in sin. The same God who gave Sarah a son even after she laughed at God himself. The same God who remined us all that we do not know what we do. He sees me. He sees you.
The grace extended to us on the cross doesn’t have a fear or anxiety clause written into the contract.
This fear is temporary. I have my moments of uncertainty and moments of intense anxiety. I also have moments of peace and thanksgiving. Moments of certainty that I will have this baby. As much as I prayed in the beginning that God would show me this pregnancy will be successful, I don’t think that’s a prayer he will be answering yes to. Instead, he is reminding me of something I learned this summer: I can do hard things.
Nothing in this world is harder than complete powerlessness to the unknown. To the uncertainty and the fear. It’s easier to map out how I’ll live through this loss. Prepare myself. It’s easier to google. It’s easier to research, clinging to some form of false control.
It’s hard to wake up everyday and cling desperately to the future, afraid of what has already happened. It’s hard to choose to believe in the future. It’s hard to trust. It’s hard to be still. It’s hard to not be in control.
Yet, that’s exactly what God wants from all of us. To follow him and trust. To be still. To listen for his commands, one at a time. Have faith in him.
I’m a little over 5 weeks pregnant and I can’t write this telling you I’ll have this baby. But what I can write is that I know God loves me with my fear and anxiety. He was weeping with me when I lost my first baby and he is holding now, leading me moment by moment.
“When I am afraid, I will put my trust and faith in You.”
Psalm 56:3-11. AMP
Trust isn’t a magical potion of calm and peace. It’s not thinking God will answer yes, no matter how hard we pray. God isn’t our genie. Trust is sharing the most intimate and sacred parts of yourself. It’s being exactly who you are in this moment and giving it to someone else. Trusting them with who you are, flaws and all.
Faith isn’t certainty that you’ll prayer will be answered or you won’t experience hardship. It’s belief in something bigger than your pain and hardship. Faith in who our Lord is and what his son did for us on the cross.
Trusting God doesn’t mean that you won’t be afraid. It doesn’t mean you won’t have anxiety. It means you’ll go to him anyway. Your authentic ugly cry self and admit how scared you really are.
Having faith doesn’t mean you’ll never be scared of the unknown. It doesn’t mean you never question the why behind something or pray to know Gods plan. It means the unknown and any and all things life brings will never affect your belief in HIM.
So, when life gets overwhelming and this fear creeps up on us, we go to God and show him these part of us. We have faith in him regardless of the outcomes. And we do this over and over again. Moment by moment.
I trust I can go to God and show him these parts of me. I have faith in him regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy.
God isn’t mad at me for being scared nor is he mad at you. He sees our hearts. He sees who we really belong to and that my friend, is him. We aren’t cowards. So… I’m gonna try in every moment to be at peace, it’s getting easier, but when the anxiety rises, I know God isn’t mad. He’s present. And He’s ready to listen. All he wants is my trust and faith.
It’s hard to trust. It’s hard to have faith. We can do hard things.
(Two days after writing this post, we lost our precious baby. Our second in 9 months. I’d be lying if posting this wasn’t incredibly hard but every word is true. I have faith in him and I trust his plan. Still).